Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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