...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
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