home. puking in laundry basket.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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