Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
