so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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