OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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