i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
