I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
