they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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