Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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