Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
