Don't make out with my wife yet
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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