I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
