it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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