quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Alive.
So much puke
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
