Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
