I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
