I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Found your dick twin last night
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
