Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
