i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
