So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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