if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
