He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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