I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
