You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
stop calling my apartment porn island.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
