did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Buhtt sex?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
