my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
