Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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