I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
