my phone needs a breathalizer
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
