i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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