I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
This is the high leading the old right now
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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