Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
