Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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