Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
