My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize