You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize