Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
