u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
