So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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