So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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