stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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