The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
