your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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