You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
