You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
