My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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