Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
