PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Randomize
