My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
