This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
