she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
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