Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
