So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
