I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
