He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
