im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
