Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
