Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
