girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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