oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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